Sympathy

After a bereavement

 

We can’t stop your tears from falling
But we’ll pass the tissues you need

We can’t know what you are feeling
But please know that we’re taking heed

We don’t always know what to say
But we’re still thinking of your loss

We may bring food for you to eat
But tell us if it makes you cross

We’re not sure how long you will grieve
But we’re there as long as it takes

We don’t know if you want to talk
But we’ll listen to your heartaches

We hope you’ll learn to bear your pain
But we’ll always be there for you

We’re so sad that your baby died
But know your strength will pull you through

Tell your friend

You’re the best

 

You’re pleased if I have some success
You calm me if I’m under stress

You never judge the things I do
You’ll shop with me for hours for shoes

You and I can laugh until we cry
You’d never let my secrets fly

You wouldn’t ever be unkind
You let me rant and never mind

You’re loyal and stick up for me
You know if I need a hug and tea

You stick around when things get tough
You’ve seen me looking really rough

You’re always, always there for me
The greatest friend that there could be

Good Advice

Or Bad Influence

 

Work really hard at school so you get a good career
(Though leaving early didn’t hurt Diaz, Depp or Gere)

Settle down with a sensible man when you get wed
(Or maybe choose one who’s gorgeous, fun and good in bed)

Don’t be a bridezilla and spend a whole wad of cash
(Still, shouldn’t your Big Day be a monumental bash?)

Please don’t go rushing into having a little one
(Mind you, it’s easier the younger you get it done)

Never spend a load of money that you haven’t got
(Though you can’t take it with you and banks do have a lot)

Be kind and generous and friendly to all around
(Then again don’t forget that others will let you down)

So I’ve covered everything and now you know the score
I’ll be here for advice if you think you need some more

To dad

On my wedding day

So here we are on my big day
When, dad, you will ‘give me away’
I’m so happy to be a bride
And glad you’ll be there by my side

Just as you have all through my life
From a baby to soon a wife
You’ve always been my biggest fan
And great example of a man

As a dad you have been the best
Today I will be doubly blessed
Thanks for your love, for everything
I marry my Prince but you’re the King

Cats are magic

For cat lovers:

 

You like the way they look at you
With their long stares into your eyes
You love the way they snuggle in
And couldn’t get closer if they tried

You laugh how they chase their shadow
Or a torch light around the wall
You’re stunned how they squeeze through a space
Yet can stretch themselves up so tall

You’re calmed and soothed by stroking them
Their fur so velvety and soft
You’re charmed by how they jump so high
Then look down haughty from aloft

You don’t mind when they tread on you
To find the right spot on your lap
You are happy to hear them purr
So contented before a nap

You admire how they clean themselves
Better than any yoga pro
You accept their food fussiness
And how they like to come and go

You’re used to hairs on everything
And the scratched furniture as well
They knock things over then walk out
Cats. Your cat. You’re under the spell

On Father’s Day

For one lucky dad:

 

It’s about time that I told you
I’m just so glad you are my dad
I’m proud to say it publicly
And there’s more that I want to add

You’ve always been there, on my side
I never felt I was alone
When life was treating me badly
Or I needed a little moan

I have so much respect for you
You taught me all I need to know
That love and kindness are a strength
To never let my daydreams go

And to work hard for what I want
To stand up for all I believe
To not forget that life is short
To kiss goodbye before we leave

I love you dad and always will
And I know that you love me too
For all you are and all you’ve done
I have to say, dad thank you

To my bride

Requested by a romantic groom:

I thought you looked gruesome when we first met
It certainly wasn’t love at first sight
I was a soldier and you were a bear
It was a fancy dress party that night

You saw me and I caught you as you swooned
Ok, you fainted as you got too hot
But I did fetch you a glass of water
Then stayed by your side and talked quite a lot

We’ve hardly been apart ever since then
And when you’re not there, I’m thinking of you
I don’t have to ask ‘am I in love?’
There’s no doubt that what I’m feeling is true

I just adore everything about you
You are my best friend, my lover, my life
I don’t want to be with anyone else
I’m so happy today you’ll be my wife

It’s all fake

About the pressure on women, mostly, to look good…

‘Oh no! I’ve got some wrinkles’
‘That’s not a problem now
A little bit of Botox
But no movement of your brow’

‘I can’t move my eyebrows?’
‘No you can’t be surprised
But you’ll look smooth and young
And these days that’s what’s prized’

‘Oh no! my boobs are sagging’
‘Three kids and all breastfed?
Don’t you be worrying
You’ll get nipples to point ahead’

‘Isn’t it expensive?’
‘Never mind, you can pay it up
But it’s worth it, don’t you think
Droopy boobs to a full G cup?’

Aagh! My teeth are yellow’
‘And chipped a little too
And I see silver fillings
There’s a lot you need to do’

‘Is it really worth it?’
‘Are you mad, my dear, of course
Unless you want to be put out
Like a knackered old race horse’

My husband wouldn’t do that’
‘But look at your thinning hair
It makes you look much older
Six hours in the swivel chair’

‘But what takes that much time?’
‘Extensions! They’re everywhere
There’s nobody on TV
Who still has natural hair”

‘Wow! I can’t believe the difference’
‘Yes but before you say amen
You should lose at least two stones
Size four is the new size ten’

‘But I couldn’t give up chocolate’
‘Don’t you worry about that
The personal trainer/dietician
Will make sure you’re never fat’

‘Oh no! My husband’s left me’
‘Well he can’t have been very nice
Now you’re really amazing
Before men didn’t look twice’

He says I look like Barbie
I’m not the women he knew
And now I owe thousands
I don’t know what to do.

Everyone’s so perfect
In magazines and on TV
I should have thanked Mother Nature
For making me like me.’

As it’s ME Awareness Week…

It’s a living hell

I’m lazy they say
It’s all in the mind
It’s just that I’m not really trying
I’d like to get up
I’d like to go out
I’m too tired to even be crying

It takes all my strength
To get to the loo
Although they think I should be at school
To get some fresh air
To still have a friend
Wouldn’t that make my life just so cool

If I go downstairs
Or even get washed
These are times when I’ve really done well
I pay for it though
The following day
When my muscles and bones ache like hell

Yes I look ok
I talk, even laugh
But with this illness, symptoms aren’t seen
My mind is just mush
Words come out all wrong
I’m nothing. Just a broken machine

It’s been four years now
I’m sixteen you know
All you go through in that time has gone
The doctor told me
There’s no cure for this
There’s a chance it’ll go on and on…

If you have ME
Then your suffering
Is the same size as dying of AIDS
Except that for me
It won’t end in death
I could feel just as bad for decades

Thank you Mr Osborne

It’s alright for the privileged few…

 

I’m alright Jack. It’s all about me
Out of work? Lazy! Don’t you agree?

Benefit sanctions are working well
So a few kill themselves. What the hell.

Less pressure then on the NHS
Costs down and targets met, that’s success

Found dead. Ex-squaddie. Diabetic.
No food to eat and no electrics

Couldn’t store insulin in the fridge
We didn’t study that at Oxbridge

To be disabled – what does it mean?
Only no arms nor legs to be seen

Everyone else is trying it on
Test them with PIPS and you’ll see they’re cons

We shouldn’t pay tax to help such scum
We must stay rich, keep all our income

No, I’ve never been down on my luck
In any case, I don’t give a fuck

Happy Mother’s Day

But…

We thought this year instead of cards
We’d frame the role in which you’ve starred
That is of course as a mother
A tougher job than any other

You juggled work as well somehow
We don’t know how you did it now
You never missed a play at school
And even learned the offside rule

We made your life hell in our teens
And yet you always stayed serene
You got us over all upsets
Proved life was best with no regrets

You taught us not to lose our rag
To be polite and not to brag
The adults that we have become
Is down to you, our lovely mum

We just have one complaint to make
And that’s our names, for heaven’s sake
Wayne and Jo with the surname King
What in the world were you thinking?

Be prepared

For anything

You never know what’s round the corner
You could be a winner; you might be a mourner

Just when life couldn’t be much better
Well that’s when you get a redundancy letter

You think you’ll always be on your own
Then love suddenly blossoms with someone you’ve known

Don’t believe me? I can’t say I care
As I know that change can come out of nowhere

I once was a healthy, working mum
Then like a house with subsidence my spine turned to crumbs

What’s certain in life isn’t that strange
We’re born and we die, and in the meantime there’s change

It’s time to say ‘President Trump’

Oh what have you done?

 

Who would have thought we’d see this day
When the new President of the USA
Is mostly famed for his toupee

He’s known for other things of course
Vile racism with no remorse
And spouting nonsense til he’s hoarse

He has to send thousands of tweets
Is off the scale with his conceit
Denies all tax and vote deceit

Talking of women he’s so crude
To many he’s been really rude
His take on life totally skewed

Good luck to you all in the States
But if you want to emigrate
The UK’s not much better, mate

It’s Christmas!

Yes, it’s that time of year again

 

What if there were no Christmas
Except in the Christian sense
A service in church that’s all
The changes would be immense

How much money would you save
And think of the time spent too
Buying all those cards and gifts
Just before the sales are due

And what about the worry
Will everyone have good fun
Will Uncle Frank be too pissed
Or the turkey overdone

All those with other beliefs
And those who are on their own
Wouldn’t feel quite so left out
That they are just home alone

No trees in lots of windows
No tinsel or twinkly lights
No tacky signs and snowmen
Just normal, everyday sights

No over-excited kids
Ripping wrapping paper off
Disappointed with their gifts
Then the family fights kick off

Instead it would be peaceful
You could watch a DVD
Don’t wait for that speech at three
Or the usual crap TV

No New Year greeting of debt
No extra pounds you must lose
No broken toys discarded
Nothing but the winter blues

Grammar Police

Be careful…

I belong to the grammar police
It has a spelling department too
Every time that I see a mistake
My verbal handcuffs could be on you

I’ll give you a little example
When someone says they have a sole mate
Do they refer to a friendly shoe
Or soul as in their spiritual state?

Then there’s there and their and also they’re
And write and rite and even what’s right
I’ve seen it wrong on formal letters
Despite the might of spellcheck’s insight

I’m also talking punctuation
As in it’s and its and you’re and your
Apostrophes for simple plurals
Like ‘photo’s, just use the ’s’, not more

All language is now in my remit
So don’t let me start on cliches please
They are among the worst offenders
I’d put handcuffs on and lose the keys