Do ya think I’m sexy?

Teenage girls have always been concerned about their looks but their bodies have never been plastered over social media before…


This is a poem addressed to parents
About your daughters’ suggestive selfies
Surely you’ve seen what they post on the net
In so many ways it is unhealthy

Boobs pushed up and out and proudly on show
Provocative poses and ‘sexy’ pouts
Two girls are hugging and some even kiss
It’s their bodies not their brains that they flout

That’s the message they’re giving to guys
Women? What are we, just tits and ass
Don’t be surprised if that’s how men treat you
You’ve pushed feminism back in the past

And there are the pathetic platitudes
‘Omg’ ‘you look sooo amaazing’
‘Stunning’ ‘Beautiful’ ‘That’s such a good look’
It’s such empty, over the top praising

So you think it’s ok, do you parents?
That men are lusting after your daughters
Thick with make-up they could pass as thirty
While inside they’re lambs ready for slaughter



After what happened at Nice on Bastille Day….


Pourquoi vous etes remplis d’haine
Pour faire une chose inhumaine

Vous avez telle férocité
Pour faire cette atrocite

Votre acte terrible et noir
donnera tant de cauchemars

Des milles de coeurs sont detruits
Mais ce qui dure c’est l’esprit


After news of another abuser


What gave you the right to think my body yours
Take what you wanted and make me feel I’m flawed

Did you even care that I was just a child
Did you do the deed and go home with a smile

Why did you come back and fill my heart with dread
I suppose you knew that nothing would be said

You were free to go and get on with your life
Pretend to the world and parade with your wife

Yes I blamed myself though I know better now
You are a devil who lives with it somehow

But you ruined me and broke my soul apart
I’m still sick inside and I bleed in my heart

You still have power though you should be in chains
I’ll never forget. You put tears in my veins

My job (part one)

I was a feature writer for magazines. I couldn’t believe I was paid to travel and meet so many amazing people.

I used to be a journalist
For years I met all kinds of folk
Prime Ministers in Downing Street
And one MP who told me jokes

I looked round Julio’s bedroom
Of course this was before he wed
And met a couple of Royals
‘Oh hailowe thair!’ is what they said

Spent a day with Leonard Cohen
That man has a deep, sexy voice
Shame that he had to go back home
To go with would have been my choice

I went inside a killer’s cell
He had rows of knives and wood blocks
He was a model prisoner
Even made me a jewellery box

I spent one cold night living rough
Listening to some terrible tales
Kids who were forced to leave their homes
And lives that had gone off the rails

Who was your all time favourite
So many people want to know
They expect some celebrity
It was those who showed strength through woe

Valentine’s poem

Ordered to go on a card


It’s hard to be bold when I don’t know
if you feel the same way about me

It’s easier to swear that I don’t care
I’ll just leave it to destiny

If I’m not brave, I can always say
Well Fate’s not on my side

But if I let go of this girl I know
I’ll always be dissatisfied.

I’ve got nothing to lose except an emotional bruise
If you don’t like me too

So I’m telling you here, my heart full of fear,
NAME, I’m mad about you.

I miss you

This is part of a poem written for a man whose much-loved dog had died.

You were my best friend for a very long time
In your own special way
Even when you were no longer in your prime
You always made my day

You were so happy every time I came back
Even if I wasn’t long
Wagging your tail, barking like a maniac
Your love for me was so strong.

You saw everything that happened in my life
And stayed there by my side
Then that awful time that I had with my wife
You licked me as I cried

You enjoyed all the walks we had every day
Everyone was your friend
Running and jumping, non-stop chasing and play
You didn’t want it to end

You always came back to me though when I called
And still you wagged your tail
It was a shock the day I said ‘walk’ and you stalled
I knew then you were frail

You looked in my eyes as the end slowly came
I stroked your soft brown fur
Your tail kind of shook as I whispered your name
Tears made my eyes a blur.

At the end of the garden I buried you
Where you would sniff and dig
My feelings for you, boy, still make me blue
The hole you left too big.

Congratulations – you passed!

For a mother who wanted to surprise her daughter…

I felt for your instructor
And hoped he had nerves of steel
It seemed no time since you were starting to walk
That you were learning to drive was unreal

You drove off and up the road
Jerking and rev ving loudly
I put my head in my hands
Not a mum watching her daughter proudly

You came back an hour later
The instructor shaken and white
‘I think it might really help
if she knew her left from her right.’

Maybe he was short of business
But he came back every week
‘Now we just need to practise
what’s called the turning technique’

I think he meant the wheel
You weren’t ready for a three point turn
Apparently you still had
‘Rather a lot to learn’

To give you some more practice
Dad said he’d take you out
He joked it was like the dodgems
And earned himself a clout

You proved you could do an emergency stop
When you had that ‘concentration lapse’
The pedestrian was fine, thank goodness
But the wall all but collapsed

You passed the written test
As you knew the manual by heart
But then came the actual driving
That was the difficult part

Now I am a proud mum
Of course you passed first go
But please don’t ask to borrow my car
The answer will be no.

You worked and saved so hard
But could only afford anti freeze
So we’ve got you an old run around
Here, darling, a set of keys.


A recent family bereavement made me think about the loss of a loved one.


So sorry for your loss, they murmur
If there’s anything I can do…
I nod and shake their hands
And robot like, repeat thank you.

What else can they say?
It’s awkward to be near grief
Especially so raw
Time’s a terrible thief

I feel like I’m gliding
It all seems so surreal
Like this isn’t my life
Like I don’t know how I feel

Soon though I’ll be angry
That he left me on my own
That I didn’t go first
Into the unknown

Then I’ll sink into gloom
Though my tears won’t bring him back
I’ll want life as it was
Before it all went black.

It’s a lie, what they say
Time. It doesn’t heal
You just have to cope
With life’s crappy deal.

For a demented mum of teens

This is an excerpt of a poem ordered by her friend to cheer the mum up…



Thundering down the stairs
‘Where’s my bag? Who took my shoes?
And I didn’t do my homework
Don’t know why you’re so amused.’

‘Well you shouldn’t need reminding,’
Smiled his superior big sis
‘Oh mum, remember I’ll be late’
She stood and blew a kiss.

‘Your skirt’s too short!’
I shouted as she headed out the door
She raised one shoulder in disdain
And hitched it up some more.


Best Man’s Speech

Here’s an excerpt from a Best Man’s speech which I wrote for a nervous customer who couldn’t think what to say.

And so we turn now to the Bride
the one and only Jilly
Who’s taken my good influence
And turned NAME all silly.

He thinks of home, not opening time
Does family visits and stuff
He’s off to shops and going through lists
He’s soft this lad not tough

What’s happened to my drinking pal,
My beer buddy, my bro?
He’s left me for a new life
And it’s right that he should go.

For his new bride is beautiful
She’s clever and she’s gentle
If he hadn’t snapped her up
We’d have said he’s really mental

I’m honoured to be their friend
And will you please now join me
In drinking to their future happiness
And prosperity

On Mumsnet

A poem about Mumsnet

Talk about anything you want
On Mumsnet nothing’s taboo.
But it’s not cool to send hugs and kisses
Wine emojis will do.

Don’t expect everyone to agree with you
There are some feisty people on there
Especially on AIBU (am I being unreasonable?)
Ask a daft question if you dare.

Learn all the acronyms or you’ll be lost
DC (dear children), DH (dear husband), IYKWIM (if you know what I mean)
And in Relationships
LTB (leave the bastard) is just routine.

That’s where you may find some sicko trolls
Who make up a sad mishap
Posters give sympathy, advice and open up
Then find it was a load of crap.

You’ll find the best user names ever
EatShitDerek, AtYourCervix and SirChenjin
And in Classics people say pmsl (pissed myself laughing)
which eases all their tension.

They hate some celebs and the Daily Fail
And on some topics they’re unjust
But on the whole discussion
Is intelligent and robust.

You can talk about anything at all
From baby names to the news
And there are answers to every problem
From boyfriends to blocked loos.

This isn’t nicey Netmums
There’s a feckin load of swearing
But if you have any kind of trouble
You won’t find women as caring.

To a husband – Really you were great

Ironic? Of course not.

I couldn’t have done it without you
When we upped our family birthrate
Number two was on their way
And really, you were great

It’s not as if it was new for you
You’d seen it all before
Or been there I should say
As then you focused on the floor

This time you came nearer
‘Up here by your head is best,
I’ll tell you what’s going on
Now you just try and rest’.

‘Rest! I’m in pain you fool.’
A contraction made me shout
‘All right, all right, no need to yell
And that’s my thumb you’re pulling out’.

You slapped cold flannels on my face
And stroked my back too hard
Then told me when to breathe…
I swear next time you’re barred

When I was starving afterwards
You took the toast right off my plate
Oh, who cares  about hunger
Really, you were great.

Excerpt from a wedding proposal

This was ordered by a romantic man who took his girlfriend out to dinner and presented her with the poem which we made into a scroll…

People once asked dad for their daughter’s hand
Now I’m asking for your life
To be with me through good and bad
Will you always be my wife?

Of course she said yes.

Some people just don’t get it

Remember the last budget? Hitting the disabled, again, but helping people making lots of money in business. Actually, life is hard when you’re disabled and can’t work.

That was a good meal
Family, friends and wine
The children in bed, so sweet
Yes, life is just fine.

Can’t pay the rent
Running out of food
Now there’s the vet bill
You bet I’m in a mood

‘What’s on this weekend darling?’
‘Dinner at the Fleets’
Thought we’d do some shopping too
Have my eye on a brand new suite.’

Argument next door
They don’t know what to do
The man has lost his job
Now he’s back of the queue

Little Phoebe won a prize
And Jago gave a speech
We’re so proud of our dear children
Teachers say they’re a pleasure to teach.

Got called into school again
Luke got in a fight
Can’t blame him for feeling sad
After that argument last night

My wife and I both have careers
We’re family partners too
We work hard for ourselves
But give charity its due.

Nobody gives a fuck about us
Don’t know how much more I can take
I can’t make do, I can’t do much
Yet they think we’re all on the make